Sex and Our Society
An example of how the media skews things is in judging a woman's sexuality on how she dresses. Clothing and cosmetics which appear provocative, do not provide an accurate picture of how the woman is feeling. She may appear incredibly sexually inviting (which she likely knows) but this is not always an indication of whether or not she is experiencing a sexual sensation or desire. Confusion over this is often sited in cases of date rape. While there are men who deliberately force their sexuality on another person, it is truly tragic that many cases now labeled as rape are likely confusion over how sexuality is expressed. Both genders have work to do in expressing their desires clearly and in respecting the desires of the man or women they are with. How someone looks and how sexual someone feels are not the same thing.
We are not often taught what real sexuality looks like, feels like or tastes like. So many of us bumble around reacting to what society has taught us sex is. My work helps people to cut through those misinterpretations and to know one's own true desires and recognize and relate to the essence of the desires of others.
We are often not taught or rather taught not to, discuss our sexuality honestly. We tone down or exaggerate what we are feeling to sooth fears our partner may feel. We go along with the flow in a group of people when the majority goes on and on about someone walking by, whether they are hot or not, even if our preferences may be different.
We are not taught that our sexuality exists independently of our relationship status. Our own unique sexual fingerprint is ours and ours alone. No one else's is exactly like ours and it is a relatively permanent part of who we are, much of it with us from birth. It will be with us always; whether we are single or involved/committed. The question becomes how closely and honestly will we look at our own pattern of loops and whorls.
We need to take ownership of our sexuality. If we are single, we usually feed ourselves and clothe ourselves. If we are married and our spouse is away, or unavailable or not interested in the food we like, we quite often still take care of our other basic needs. We golf with our golf buddies if our wife doesn't golf. We go on spa days with the girls if we share an interest that our husband doesn't. We eat sushi with a buddy from work if our lover is a meat and potatoes individual. Most of us, however put immense pressure on our relationship to provide for all of our sexual needs at all times. If that doesn't work, we believe we have two options; to leave, or to cheat. There are other ways to handle our sexuality without burying it or denying it.
We all need to learn how to empower ourselves sexually with grace and integrity. A classic book which addresses this is Open Marriage by Nena and George O'Neill. Originally published in 1972 it is still very relevant in today's world. This book eloquently explains the pitfalls of requiring our partner to provide for all of our needs and wants, and how to find other ways of meeting those needs with kindness and integrity. A more modern work which address specifically the sexual negotiation is The Ethical Slut (1997) by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Lizt. This book can be hard to read because it challenges so many of our beliefs but it will make you think about what you want and how to get there.
We also need to learn to take responsibility for the fact that we CAN control the expression of our sexual desires. There are techniques which can accelerate, decelerate, maintain, contain and disperse our sexual energy. This is something that can be taught as the layers of conditioning telling us that these things are out of our control are peeled away.
Learning to live with our sexuality in a realistic way reduces the needs for crimes of passion based on jealousy, as well as feelings of hurt and inadequacy when our lover expresses an interest not solely focused on our being everything to them.
This involves having the skills, knowing ourselves, knowing those we are involved with, knowing how to communicate, negotiating our future relationships to include the full expression of our sexual needs, working as best we can within current relationships to express our sexual growth in a healthy way, and if we must end them to continue growing taking responsibility for this and moving on with tenderness.
We need skills to maintain our sexuality in a healthy, honest, considerate, kind and loving way with ourselves and those we are involved with.
